Sunday, August 25, 2019

When will I finally find myself?

When I find solely moments with my mind clear of any distracting garbage, I have small talks with my inner self, and sometimes it comes to my mind the question "When will I finally find myself?". Yet at this age would be sort of naive because everyone may think that an adult person with an apparent realized life wouldn't be worried for some childish struggles, but I clearly see that too many people have ocean size voids which have not been filled whatsoever. Myself is included.

Year by year, I have been redefining what success means to me, as long as I feel less worried about the things that can derail my happiness. On my twenties, I thought that finalizing a university major, then getting a job lined up with that major, it could be a successful lifestyle. I lived that experience, and I don't regret about that, but I dind't receive a real life advice about what an adult life really is about.

Money is the most visible measurable variable of success, and it's all about on how people set judgements about others. We live on a system where money flows so that it's delivered for whom has more value according to this system. Not necessarily the ones who do more work are the ones who earn more. It seems unfair, but the economic system, which all individuals are stranded on, delivers on a very unproportional rate according to the market value of the individual. One friend of mine suddenly chatted me if I didn't feel sort of dissapointment of this working, paying bills and rent lifecycle. I felt startled about the question, but if we assess very well, that statement sadly contains much true on it. If some part of this lifecycle steals your peace, clearly I believe that something is not going as we expect.

This system won't change for the upcoming years, the governments will behave the same way, the economic system will be always broken and the money will always be delivered on this unfairly way. The best thing we can do is replenish ourselves with positive traits in order to help each others. So then, when I try to anwer the question I started in this post, I see crystal clear that the answer will shortly come, but when it finally do, I should at least had filled the most of the voids that had been stealing my happiness, peace and joy. But when will that happen? I remember that life has not to be a money making routine, I have a family, two little daughters, a health to worry about, too many experiences to enjoy, too many places to know, and so on.

So, I am trying to live and enjoy my present even though it's not so grateful as I expected, but I don't have to lose my direction on what I'm want to achieve.

Thank you.